Turned down for a pay rise; hacked off with a credit-stealing co-worker; fed up with unrealistic last-minute deadlines?
Conventional wisdom dictates that an assertive response is the best approach to such common workplace problems. But is calm and direct always the right method for every individual in every situation?
We take a look at three extreme points on the reaction curve – passive, aggressive and assertive – and how each can both help and hinder your cause. As you read the article, check in with your own predominant responses: do you naturally gravitate towards passivity or aggression?
READ MORE: Quiz: how assertive are you?
The passive response
Passive at a glance
- Softly spoken
- Reluctant to speak up
- Avoids eye contact
- Expressionless
- Weak posture
- Defensive body language
- Hangs back from the group
- Agrees without meaning it
- Low self-value
- Inferiority complex
- Self-blaming
- Builds anger/resentment
- Appears not to care
- Problem avoidant
- Risk averse
- Undermines own needs/desires for sake of others
Casting your eye over the list of passive qualities, you might struggle to see how this kind of behaviour could ever bring benefits. By definition, it denotes an absence of things – honesty, expression, clarity of thought, and shines through in the kind of communication you’re warned to avoid – rambling, filler words, monotonous tone, overly apologetic or just not speaking up at all.
And there’s no denying there are many costs. Consistently underplaying your true feelings can lead to explosive outbursts and self-sabotage, feelings of being taken advantage of, unhealthy working relationships, low self-esteem and a perception of you as a pushover or someone who doesn’t care.
But can there be benefits? Well by and large psychologists agree that the generally passive person should work on developing more assertive behaviours. But that there are times when a passive response – or at least the healthier characteristics of passivity: sitting back, saying nothing, putting others first and avoiding risk – is the best option. When you find yourself in an emotive meeting in the early days of a brand new job, for example, or caught in a heated debate between two warring line managers you have dotted lines into. Opting not to challenge a pay rise rejection might be the magnanimous thing during a period when team members face redundancy or the business substantial losses. And though assertive responses are indeed possible in a situation with an aggressive co-worker, you should use your judgement to decide when to challenge assertively, and when a passive retreat means the boat doesn’t get rocked at the wrong time.
Other potential benefits of passivity
- Being viewed as a ‘good sport’ or able to ‘take things on the chin’
- Fosters protective feelings towards you by a boss or close colleague
- Avoids short-term conflict and reduces stress, enabling a smoother path to future resolution
The aggressive response
Aggressive at a glance
- Hostile
- Sarcastic
- Blaming or excuse-making
- Appears to only consider themselves
- Highly opinionated while dismissing the opinions and needs of others
- Unable to control anger
- Knee-jerk reactions
- Intimidating body language
- Emotional
- Argumentative
- Loud<
- Interrupts or talks over others
- Bold eye contact/glaring
- Dominates groups
- Ignoring behaviour or giving one-word responses
Aggression is synonymous with an all-round attack. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of an aggressive co-worker, you’ll no doubt know that such behaviour creates enemies, resentment, paranoia and fear. Relationships suffer, and over the aggressor’s own self-confidence diminishes as others distance themselves.
Few are the scenarios where aggressive is a recommended route, but are there healthier forms of aggression which can actually benefit you in the workplace? When you consider that aggression can also be defined as ‘making an all-out effort to win or succeed’ (dictionary.com), then absolutely it can.
During times of high stress, feelings of aggression can be channelled into passion, energy or extraordinary focus, enabling you to step away from a place of passivity and towards a more dynamic, assertive you. That can positively impact a team too: if you’re usually a laid back and democratic kind of boss, then switching temporarily to a ‘do this, do it now’ approach sends a clear signal you mean business and need the team to fall into line and quickly.
The assertive response
Assertive at a glance
- Firm yet relaxed tone
- Clear and explicit
- Honest yet diplomatic
- Acknowledges anger in others while remaining calm
- Deals with problems head on
- Cares about both themselves and the other person
- Maintains eye contact and open body language
- Sticks to the point and guides the conversation towards resolution
- Empathic
- Good listener
- Facial expressions match body language and dialogue
Higher self-esteem, more likelihood of achieving your goals without hurting others, low resentment and healthier relationships are all great reasons to work on your assertiveness. But are there any drawbacks?
- If assertiveness is a new way of operating, those expecting a more passive response from you may struggle. Tread carefully, but be wary of attempts by others to sabotage your newfound approach.
- Taking an assertive stance might be a big leap for you, particularly if you’ve operated in passive or aggressive modes for a long period. Plan carefully, regularly evaluate your progress and reward yourself for each courageous step change.
- Being assertive doesn’t always guarantee you’ll get that pay rise, cool that hot-headed employee or earn more respect from a highly-strung boss. Be wary of slipping into less healthy responses just because your clear, direct and honest approach isn’t having the desired effect.
Tips for working with the three behaviours
- Be aware not just of your own responses and how they fluctuate between passive, assertive and aggressive, but how they play out in those around you. Understanding how someone else is reacting can enable a more informed decision about the best way you can respond.
- Beware of sending mixed signals, for example being assertive in your verbal communication (“I’d like you to reconsider the way you speak to me”), while being passive (poker-faced) or aggressive (stony faced and crossed arms). It undermines your overall message.
- As you’ve discovered, each of the three behaviours can have their benefits as well as their costs – be aware of this and remain mindful of ways in which you can flex your approach when needed.
Information adapted from the Centre for Clinical Interventions’ online assertiveness training resources.
