The acceptability of showing emotion at work continues to be the subject of fierce debate. Some studies claim that wearing your heart on your sleeve is a sure-fire route to career ruin; others insist that expressing a ‘softer side’ can propel you up the ladder.
Whichever way you’re swayed, your world of work is every bit as likely as your personal life to serve up a gamut of emotions through which you must navigate. And having the emotional intelligence (or EQ) to navigate those less than positive feelings is crucial – not only for career success, but also your own wellbeing.
As we launch our workbook Developing your emotional intelligence, we share five stories on workplace emotions from women across the everywomanNetwork.
Dealing with the disappointment of others
Pippa Isbell, everywoman Club member
In my first managerial role I was promoted from within a team. There were two sisters at the company who had an entire office of their own among the open plan space, and who were absolutely terrifying!
As their new boss, I knew I needed to bring them along with me. But with one in particular, whenever I asked for her opinion on anything new, she’d lean back in her chair, fold her arms and say “Well dear, you can try it if you like, but I can tell you that won’t work!” I can still see her face now after all these years. I knew that after every conversation these sisters would be going back to their office to talk about me, this bonkers young woman and what she thought she was going to do.
Since then I’ve realised that when you start a new role, you must accept that some people will be difficult, often because they’re disappointed. It’s wise to consider who is going to be upset by your appointment – usually somebody who went for your job and was unsuccessful (as was the case with one of the sisters).
Anticipating this makes the feelings much easier to deal with, and asking for cooperation – rather than imposing ‘your way’ – is a much better way to get started.
Controlling anger
Meenakshi Rathore, everywomanNetwork member
The day after a colleague confirmed that all was well with their aspect of a project whose deadline was causing me stress, I received a last minute message saying that they could no longer deliver. I immediately fired off a nasty email, copying in their line manager.
My reaction played on my mind, and once the project was complete I discussed it with my manager, who encouraged me to read up on emotional intelligence, using the webinars and articles on the everywomanNetwork for advice on better managing my emotions. Educating yourself and implementing what you learn are two different things; I took this training as a challenge and now see every situation as an opportunity to test what I’ve learned.
One such opportunity arose when a team member continually came up with reasons why he couldn’t deliver an important piece of work. Instead of getting angry, I sat with him to understand his issues, and helped him make a plan, which he went on to deliver ahead of deadline.
What I realised from these situations is that the situations themselves don’t cause problems – reactions do. Tense situations don’t call for reactions, they call for responses. If I feel angry about a situation now, I might write that tense email, but I never send it. Finding detachment from a situation is really important.
It’s also important to suppress the need to prove yourself right – even if you are right. It prevents a resolution. And if you’re fighting with someone, you’re equally responsible for the fight, even if you weren’t responsible for bringing about the situation which led to the fight.
Feeling and managing guilt
Anonymous, everywomanNetwork member
After having to fire an employee I spent many months struggling with the guilt I felt at turning their world upside down. I heard from colleagues how difficult the person in question was finding it, and it played on my mind constantly. I kept telling myself I’d done the right thing – this team member often didn’t show up for work without notification on days he was due to deliver a presentation or to a deadline. And despite many opportunities to turn this behaviour around, performance was simply never up to scratch – a fact which was actually having a very negative impact on the rest of the team. But I was plagued by the idea that I hadn’t done enough to help.
Eventually I reached out to a more senior manager. She agreed that my decision was entirely just, and made me see that having to let someone go is simply one of those hard jobs that managers have to do. She forced me to look at the alternative – allowing low performance to affect the overall morale of my team, and I had to concede that I wouldn’t have been doing my job if I’d allowed this to happen. I also realised that by focusing on how awful I’d made this person feel by sacking them, I wasn’t seeing the whole picture: he had been given many opportunities to take responsibility and had chosen not to. The guilt I felt was a sign of my compassion, I realised, and while this is an important trait in a management role, it doesn’t eliminate the need to make tough decisions.
Facing your fears
Sally Kettle, everywoman Associate
Motivational speaking is part of my job but before I do a talk I really worry. I know that I get very bad hot flushes, I can hear my heart beating in my ears, my neck goes bright red, my mouth feels dry and I start sweating. I know that everybody can see that I’m anxious and nervous and it worries me. These physical reactions are based on my fear. I fear I’ll make an error, that I might fall over or forget my words, and then everyone will think I’m stupid.
But because I acknowledge and understand my fear, I can get up on stage knowing that my anxiety will be reflected in my looks. I do that because I enjoy my job and I know that I can do it. It’s important not to think about fear as something to be conquered or battled with.
Once you can recognise it and know how it makes you feel, you can summon up the courage to act, and through practice, build competence and resilience to fear’s debilitating affects. Whereas once I may have spent weeks or months fearing a talk, these days I may only get nervous a few hours before.
Dealing with emotional outbursts
Anonymous, everywomanNetwork member
A member of my team is sensitive to an alarming degree. For a period of a few months she cried in every 1-2-1, often for some perceived criticism from a colleague, or if she was challenged on an aspect of her work. I began to feel quite manipulated by her tears; I found myself avoiding giving her constructive feedback or any tasks I knew she wouldn’t welcome, just to spare the waterworks.
My strategy for a long time was to remain as patient as possible but when I noticed that her overly emotional reactions were having a similar affect on others, I realised that I needed a different tactic.
I focused instead on what I wanted to happen, which was for her to deal with her emotions privately, so that she could – coolly and calmly – focus on solving her problems with me. When she next cried in our 1-2-1, I immediately insisted she take a walk around the block and promised we’d talk about the problem when she was less emotional.
When she had a tearful outburst in team meetings, I asked her to step outside and return when she was feeling calmer and more solution orientated. By making it clear that calm, rational discussion was the only way I was willing to help her with her problems, the tears quickly dissipated.
Discover more ways to dial up your EQ in the everywoman Network workbook Developing your emotional intelligence.
