Monkeys do it and so should you! Discover why positive interactions – or, as Dr Eric Berne calls them, ‘strokes’, can work wonders in your professional life.
Pioneered by Dr Eric Berne as part of his wider psychoanalytic theories about human interactions, the idea of ‘stroking’ was grounded in a series of animal studies which examined how monkeys separated from their birth parents behaved differently to those reared by their mothers and fathers.
A third group of subjects was put into environments with monkeys made from wire and cloth. They were naturally inclined to cuddle up to (‘stroke’) their fake monkey friends and as a result showed stronger development than the monkeys denied affection possibilities.
“In the workplace, where it’s not politically correct to hug, the type of ‘stroking’ that we all need is a more metaphorical one,” explains everywoman Associate Ros Taylor in her webinar Emotional intelligence: Handling others’ emotions (log in to listen back). In one academic study, it was found that students who were praised by teachers four times more than they were criticised demonstrated no improved performance, while those who were praised eight times more, demonstrated exponentially better performance.
How to use ‘strokes’ at work
Most of us, it seems, are pretty good at this metaphorical stroking of colleagues – better so than we are giving the same sort of emotional encouragement and positive energy to those we live with (77% say they mostly stroke at work, compared to only 23% who exhibit more stroking behaviours at home).
One of the key ways that we can ‘stroke’ new team members – often those feeling the most vulnerable and in need of attention – is to use Ros’s FORE acronym. “Family, occupation, recreation, education,” she explains. “That’s how you get to know people as people, rather than as fodder for the next job or next success.
“They’re commonalities so everyone has something to say on them. You don’t have to have a riveting conversation about someone’s siblings or hobbies, just ask questions and be genuinely interested in the answers.
“In a workplace or networking environment you might feel less comfortable starting off with family, in that case start with another category and work onwards from there. It’s a wonderful thing to really get to know somebody in five minutes. Keep it in mind if you’re stuck on the periphery of a networking situation.”
Ask open-ended questions and be mindful of when facial expressions and abrupt answers are telling you it’s time to move onto a different conversation.
With those we already know – our desk friends and peers across the organisation – stroking can be a valuable way to build relationships. It can be as simple as a genuinely meant compliment, recognition for a job well done or a morning smile and welcome.
Don’t forget your boss, urges Ros. While it can be tempting to think that they should be the ones delivering those kind of niceties to us, reciprocity can also be a great relationship builder.
“You might like to thank them for turning up to your team meeting, letting them know that your staff always appreciate the time he or she put in. Or thank them for some important feedback they’ve given you. Or just noticing that they’ve made you a cup of tea or greeted you warmly on the way into work.”
If you’re worried that demonstrating these types of stroking behaviours will make you appear sycophantic, particularly in relation to the boss, use Ros’s litmus test: “Reward by stroking any kind of behaviour that you’d like more of.” That way you’re not complimenting or encouraging for encouragement’s sake – you’re hoping to illicit more of such behaviours in the future, for your own benefit.
Dealing with negative strokes
While friendly interaction and positive conversation can make us feel great; negative stroking – unwanted attention delivered with less positive emotion – does the exact opposite. An example might be when a boss shouts at us in front of other colleagues, making us feel frightened and embarrassed, undermined and put down.
In that case, it’s important to dial up your emotional intelligence, switching on both the rational (frontal lobe) section of the brain and the emotional (limbic regions) to express your feelings in a controlled way. Ros suggests using the ‘DESC script’: “Describe the situation. Express how you feel. Specify what you want. And outline the Consequences that will happen as a result.”
Using the above example of the shouty boss, your DESC script might be: “Yesterday you shouted at and chastised me in front of my team mates. I felt scared and humiliated as a result. In future, if you need to criticise my work, I would like you to do it with me in private. As a result I will be able to much better manage the constructive feedback without getting so upset.”
If you’re moved to analyse your own stroking patterns, Ros suggests choosing two people from work (your boss and one other), and asking yourself the following set of questions:
- When was the last time I gave this person a stroke?
- Was it positive or negative?
- What prompted it?
- When did you last receive a stroke from them?
- Was it positive or negative?
- What prompted it?
Once that has you thinking, it might be worth conducting the same test on two individuals from your personal life. “We often think about what we’re doing at work and we’re aware that we need to be motivating people, but maybe we shouldn’t be leaving that at work but bringing it home as well,” says Ros.
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