Panic, ultimatums and fighting talk: reasons negotiations fail and how to avoid the pitfalls

Negotiating is as simple as making sure both parties are comfortable with the final outcome – so why do we so often fail to get a win:win situation? Whether you’re asking for a salary increase, a reduction in price for services rendered or are thrashing out the terms of a new vendor contract, the process of negotiation should be seen as one which produces a solution both parties are comfortable with – a win-win situation if you like. And yet for myriad reasons, negotiations can be fraught with panic and emotion, become heated and aggressive, or simply fail, with someone or everyone going home the loser. In our webinar Developing your negotiation skills, everywoman Associate Pippa Isbell delved into the most common reasons why negotiations fail – and shared her insight into how you can avoid the common pitfalls to negotiate your way to successful outcomes all round.

You panicked!

If a negotiation conversation sent you into a tailspin and you ended up walking away with nothing but anger, resentment and a sense of failure, you’re unfortunately not alone: 43% of everywomanNetwork members have been in the same boat at one time or another. Panic might set in because you felt intimidated by a more senior figure, or you suffered a sudden case of Imposter Syndrome, which left you underestimating your own values, strengths and abilities. There is one crucial antidote to both scenarios, and not to take it before your negotiations kick off is inexcusable: thorough preparation (see Pippa Isbell’s pre-negotiation prep checklist).

“Some of us feel we can’t be straightforward if the person on the ‘other side’ is more senior but you can; if your position is an objective business case then that person will respect you for putting it well. And remember, they’re human too.”

If you’ve done your homework and know what you’re working towards, you’re far less likely to be blindsided by any tricks the other side play, or curveballs that throw you off course. The old proverb rings true: “When you are up to your backside in alligators; it’s difficult to remember that your initial objective was to drain the swamp.” Keep in mind the three key principles of negotiation: identify the problem; generate a solution; agree on the outcome.

You dug your heels in hard

A doggedly determined 29% of everywomanNetwork members enter negotiations with a fighting attitude, determined to win. While confidence and focus are crucial to your success as a negotiator, single-mindedness should be exercised with caution. “Negotiate on objective criteria,” urges Pippa Isbell, “not entrenched positions”. That means keeping an open mind, having alternative options of your own and an open ear to those presented by the other party. Harvard Business School professors use the acronym BATNA to define this flexible approach to negotiating. Standing for Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement, it asks that you know both what your most desirable outcome is, but also what you are happy to settle for. If you can’t achieve 100% of your salary increase request, for example, might you be happy with 50% of it, along with an opportunity to request more on completion of agreed goals?

You didn’t stop talking!

You asked for a raise and in the silence that ensued you immediately back-peddled, blurting out all the reasons why your boss might not concede, asking instead for a fraction of your initial request. If that sounds familiar then you’ve fallen victim to a classic negotiation mistake – filling in the silences. Park your discomfort with lapses in conversation. It could just be that the other side needs to think. Or perhaps they’re not thinking at all, and are simply waiting for you to undermine your position by filling in the blanks. Either way, silence is a powerful tool.

“Don’t forget to summarise: ‘Before we leave let me just sum up what I think we’ve agreed here…’ Conclude gracefully and document the decision.” Pippa Isbell

“Don’t assume you know what the other side is going to say,” says Pippa Isbell. “You don’t. Keep your flexibility as your bargaining tool [not as a way to fill pauses].”

You didn’t manage the meeting or the environment

Don’t get so hung up on your own preparation that you forget there’s another party involved. You might know your case inside out, but the other party doesn’t, so state it clearly. Check that you’ve been understood by listening attentively, reflecting back to show that you’re taking in what’s being said. Don’t become so set on delivering your script that you forget to ask questions. One of the key steps of your preparation involves visualising the meeting. You’ll feel all the more empowered for taking charge of it – decide which room you’ll book, how you’ll enter, and where you’ll sit. Put yourself on an equal footing with the other party; “It sounds corny,” says Pippa Isbell, “but sometimes people put you in a lower chair or sit on the edge of your desk [in order to make you feel less powerful]. People do that kind of things, sometimes instinctively and sometimes on purpose, so set it up carefully and prepare to be confident.” Do ensure you negotiate in person: “Putting your arguments in writing first is simply hiding behind an email. It can bring the advantage to the other side because they know what you’re coming in to say,” says Pippa.

You let your emotions get the better of you

If the other party challenges your business case or hits you with a simple “no”, it’s easy to forget about your carefully laid plans and resort to personal factors (“my mortgage has gone up and I need more money”) or ultimatums (“In that case here’s my resignation”). Bringing any background emotions to the table significantly undermines your position, and is unlikely to drive the conversation back on track. “The most important thing is to stay as objective as you can. Ask diagnostic questions – what, why, who, where, how, when? – to find a way forward. Practise managing negative reactions and leave your emotions at the door,” says Pippa Isbell. When the going gets tough, taking a breather could be the single most effective reset tool you have at your disposal. Nearly one third (29%) of everywoman Network members use this approach when emotions run high. Suggest a break and use it to breathe, reflect and re-evaluate your preparation in light of developments.

You took “no” badly

A 100% success record of achieving your initial request is a rare thing indeed. And sometimes no amount of preparation gets you what you want. If there are factors outside of your control or your case simply wasn’t strong enough, sometimes “no” is a potential outcome. But “no” needn’t be the end of the road, and treating it as such – storming off, threatening to leave or hurling accusations – will inevitably become a self-fulfilling prophecy. “Be dignified and calm if the answer is ‘no’,” says Pippa Isbell. “Don’t be fobbed off with excuses, but do ask for the rationale behind the decision. Leave knowing ‘What would it take for it to be a ‘yes’ next time?’” The answer might be the stepping-stone to reopening the discussion in six months time. Leave the door open and continue working on your plan until you can present it – stronger and better – at a future point. Read Pippa’s pre-salary negotiation preparation checklist to ensure that all-important meeting delivers your desired outcome.