‘P.O.K.E.R’: Your guide to handling difficult conversations

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Tough conversations are a part of everyday life both in and out of the office. In fact, nearly a fifth of everywoman Network members find themselves in the throes of challenging discourse on an on-going basis.

And yet very few – just 7% – feel entirely confident managing such situations. The majority (69%) are confident enough to speak up some of the time, but are afraid of tackling certain people or situations, while a further 17% often emerge from a difficult dialogue wishing they hadn’t spoken up at all.

It’s all too easy to use avoidance as your tactic. But when you shy away from engaging with disagreements with colleagues and managers, delivering hard or bad news, voicing a suspicion or challenging inappropriate behaviour, you effectively “trade short term discomfort for long term dysfunction”, says business consultant Peter Bromberg.

In her webinar Defining ‘tough’ conversations for yourself Sally Kettle suggests that to face those difficult chats head on you need to brush up your P.O.K.E.R skills. Fortunately that doesn’t mean dusting off a pack of cards and practising an emotionless expression; it means getting to grips with Sally’s clever acronym for everything you’ll need to bear in mind before you tackle that exchange you’ve been dreading.

 

P is for Pause, Ponder, and Plan

Think about the looming conversation as a tennis match: if you simply bat all your balls over the net in quick succession and with little thought for technique, your partner is likely to do nothing until they’re given the opportunity to bat all their balls right back over the net at you. Far more productive is to get all your balls in order, and carefully, with precision, send each one towards your opponent, allowing them to volley back while also serving their own balls between – in other words, allowing a much more balanced, two-way discussion, rather than a barrage of words.

If you’ve a solid plan in place, you’re far less likely to fall victim to some of the common reasons difficult conversations fail. Without a plan you may react to thwarting ploys, whereby the other person’s lies, threats, stonewalling, crying, offence or sarcasm swerves you off course. Or you may get hooked into the other person’s agenda, and suddenly find yourself talking about a different set of problems while those you wanted to discuss fall by the wayside.

While a solid plan is critical, avoid over-rehearsing. You’re more likely to be tripped up if you’ve outlined every single aspect of the conversation. “Have some pointers, but not a speech,” advises Sally.

Catch up on the Defining ‘tough’ conversations for yourself webinar.

 

O is for Objective

You can’t make a plan until you know what it is you want to accomplish. Rarely is the conversation simply about letting off steam or letting another person know how we feel. If you’ve been overlooked for promotion, for example, you may well want to express your disappointment, but the underlying objective is to figure out a clear plan for how you can ensure you’re in the running for the next opportunity.

Keeping sight of the goal makes it all the easier to stick to your agenda.

 

K is for Know your audience

So you’ve spent time considering how you’re feeling and what you want to get across. But there’s another person involved in the conversation too and you’d be wise to think about how they’ll be answering the same questions you’ve been asking yourself.

What is their perception of what’s happened? What is at the root of their behaviour or their analysis of yours? What were they trying to achieve or think you were trying to achieve? How might they be feeling now?

Even if you dial up your empathy to maximum, be prepared to get it wrong. Often difficult discourse fails because we’ve made assumptions about someone’s intentions. Bear in mind that all might not be quite what it seems and that the conversation may have surprises in store.

If you’re upset or angry, respect for the person you’re about to speak to might be at an all time low. It’s very difficult, but take a step back, a deep breath and enter the conversation mindful of the other person.

 

E is for Emotion

Remove it from the equation. It’s business.

Sally Kettle

 

It’s easier said than done though, particularly when our self-worth is less than optimal.

“When you have self-worth you feel it’s very important that you have a voice and are heard,” says Sally. “But with little self-worth you’ll probably do everything you can to avoid tough conversations [giving yourself messages like] ‘Why would that person be interested in what I have to say?’, ‘I’m wasting their time’, ‘Even if I voice my opinion it won’t make a difference,’ or, conversely, ‘If I speak up, everything will change’.”

Limiting beliefs can be very upsetting, adding a further layer of complicated emotion to an already volatile situation. Sally’s advice:

  1. Acknowledge the state of your self worth and seek support if you need it
  2. Recognise your inner critic and learn to calm her down
  3. Recognise the broken record – use positive self talk to turn the talk off
  4. Recognise if you’re being a martyr and take steps to change

R is for Respond; don’t react

By their nature, difficult conversations can be emotionally rousing, and when emotions are heightened it can be tempting to charge in like a bull in a china shop and speak your mind as thoughts occur to you. Seldom does this result in resolution. Don’t react (lashing out, shutting down, becoming aggressive or combative); once it becomes about winning and losing, everyone has lost.

Instead, respond. Being mindful of all that you’ve learned about yourself through pausing, pondering and planning, carefully considering your overall objective, taking care to consider the picture from the other side of the net, and dealing with your emotions in private.

Do consider whether you’re making a mountain out of a molehill or taking a martyr stance. “Take a really good look in the mirror,” says Sally. “Often the most difficult conversations are the ones we need to have with ourselves.”

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