“Forget sex or politics or religion—loneliness is the subject that clears out a room.”
Novelist
Douglas Coupland
“I’ve been there. There were long walks [on my own at lunchtime] and moments of hiding in the toilet in my suit.” At the age of 28, everywoman Associate Lucy Ball found herself newly single, struggling to maintain friendships while commuting from London to mainland Europe for work, and one of the few females employed in her office. With little to connect her to male colleagues, the lack of a lunch buddy quickly saw her spiral into a despairing loneliness.
And our recent poll* suggests she’s far from alone in her experience. Six out of ten members of the everywomanNetwork say they “sometimes” feel lonely, while 28% feel so “regularly” and 12% report feeling that way “all the time”.
Experts claim that its links to ill health and even premature death make loneliness as serious a problem as obesity and poverty. So why aren’t we talking about it more, particularly in relation to office isolation? “If I’m feeling lonely at work, my worry is that if I mention it, I will get even more lonely,” suggests Ball.
The good news is that even chronic loneliness can be overcome. Here’s how…
1. FIND HOPE IN THE VERY DEFINITION OF LONELINESS
Loneliness isn’t about shyness, introversion, melancholy or even depression. It’s about a deep, innate human need to connect with others. Nobody is born lonely or destined to be lonely, and so if you’re feeling disconnected or isolated, you are simply expressing, internally, your natural desire for contact. “When we connect with somebody, we feel better [so] there is hope in this [way of looking at] loneliness,” suggests Ball.
2. A GOOD DOCTOR STARTS WITH A DIAGNOSIS
If you were trying to solve any other complex workplace problem, you’d probably start by trying to identify the root cause. Take the same approach to your loneliness. Ask yourself when you feel lonely – at home, at work or both? Is your loneliness the result of having no people around, or being around people with whom you’ve no connection? Or is it more about your own work ethic or values and their ability to be met in your environment? For example, does your heavy workload mean you feel unable to participate in conversations, lunches or workplace socials? Knowing the answers to some of these questions is a starting point for creating a treatment plan.
3. WELLBEING FIRST, EVERYTHING ELSE SECOND
When you’ve deadlines coming out of your ears, it’s easy to put ‘tackle loneliness’ on the backburner. But a growing body of evidence finds that when you’re feeling isolated or alone, your work is more likely to suffer. Regular surveys by Gallup show that those who report having a best buddy in the workplace receive more praise, are more focussed on delivering quality outcomes for their employers and feel more aligned with the company’s mission.
If you’re still prioritising your to-do list over tackling your feelings of loneliness, consider how much vitality and drive you’re failing to bring to your tasks by not nurturing your wellbeing. “I call it the mask effect,” says Ball. “It takes energy to pretend to be something that you’re not. Play acting can be draining and that’s all energy we don’t give our tasks and our colleagues.”
4. A BABY STEP TREATMENT PLAN
When you push yourself out of your comfort zone in order to gain new skills and experiences, a small step is more likely to bring about success than a leap into the unknown. The same principle applies to tackling loneliness. Once you’ve worked out which areas you need to work on, muster up as much hope and faith as you possibly, can before cracking on with an action plan. “When you are feeling really down it can be hard to imagine anything will work, but giving some of these things a try can really help,” promises Ball.
Some initiatives include:
- Remember who you connect with well and make more time for those people in your life (just one high-quality connection can be worth its weight in gold)
- Actively reach out to a colleague you’d like to get to know, even if it’s just for coffee
- Use Skype instead of phone if you’re a remote worker
- Sync up travel schedules with fellow commuters—a morning chat on the platform or knowing there’ll be someone you know at the same hotel can make all the difference
- Examine your environment: are there value or culture clashes that need to be addressed by speaking with a line manager
- Invite others to help you tackle a workplace problem you’re struggling with; remember that most people will feel flattered to be asked for their input
- Make more time for small talk, be it in the lift, the open plan or the kitchen
- Actively develop your social skills by reading articles designed to increase confidence and networking ability
- Find out which networks or events your colleagues are attending and ask if you can tag along
- Take regular breaks—it might seem counterintuitive to clearing your desk but your performance and productivity will thank you for it.
5. FIND YOUR OWN PERSONAL LONELINESS COACH
Mentors are there to help you navigate through the many challenges your work-life throws at you. Loneliness is just another of those, so don’t shy from bringing up how you’re feeling with someone you trust either in or outside the office. Better still, share your action plan and ask them for their help (such as coaching you in social interaction) or to hold you accountable for doing what you say you’ll do.
Getting some outside perspective is particularly helpful if you’ve drawn a blank on why you’re feeling this way or what you can do about it. Invite someone to help you explore your loneliness and what causal circumstances – or aspects of your attitude to them – you could tweak.
Even if you get this kind of input, it’s important to also be kind to yourself. Dial up your self-compassion, recognising that what you’re feeling is uncomfortable but entirely surmountable.
Discover more tips for tackling loneliness in the workplace in Lucy Ball’s everywomanNetwork webinar – free for members to download on demand.
