Career surgery special: dealing with difficult colleagues

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Hazard a guess at the top cause of workplace stress. Tight deadlines? Bursting to-do lists? Frequent overtime hours? According to a survey of employees, the biggest trigger of moderate to severe stress – felt by 90% of respondents – is dealing with a difficult co-worker, manager or direct report.[i]

In this month’s career surgery we answer the questions of women across the everywomanNetwork who are currently facing personality-related workplace challenges.

 

The moody co-worker

Q: I’m one in a team of five project managers whose boss works out of a different office. One team member has recently become negative and hypercritical towards everyone and everything – good suggestions are instantly dismissed with comments like “We tried that. It didn’t work last time so what’s the point?” Neither her work nor others in the team appear to be affected, but I feel irritated that she gets away with bad behaviour. Should I distance myself and only deal with her when I really have to?

A: One of the worst things you can do when faced with bad behaviour – perceived or otherwise – is react in a knee-jerk way. Whether that’s to call out the critic in a public way, respond with anger, or limit your interactions, thereby creating a divide.

The first step is to separate the issue (in this case the negative, critical comments) from the individual. Build a rounded picture of your colleague – her strengths, weaknesses and the relationships she builds with those around her; the ways in which she differs from you, and in what ways she is similar. Armed with this perspective, consider whether her behaviour has a valuable function. All teams need different personalities and approaches; the person who points the finger and always looks on the downside can actually play a useful role, forcing others to up their game and challenge their own assumptions.

The next step is to look inward. Examine what it is about this behaviour that’s particularly affecting you, while others seem less bothered. Are you especially sensitive to negative, critical behaviour? Does it remind you of something or someone else? Aim to understand what filters you may be viewing your colleague through.

Finally, as this behaviour is new, consider reaching out. Put on your compassion hat and invite your colleague for coffee. Tell her you want to make sure she’s ok; that you’ve noticed something might be troubling her. At the very least this sends a message that you’re an ally rather than an adversary, and that fact alone can be incredibly disarming. She may well open up and share whatever’s going on, allowing you to reframe the situation and find a new coping mechanism. It also sends a clear message that her behaviour has not gone unnoticed, which might be just the motivation she needs to tackle it herself.

 

The passive-aggressive subordinate

Q: One of my direct reports is causing me a lot of stress. Since I’ve become his boss he’s made it clear he doesn’t respect me and disagrees with my running of the team. What makes this difficult for me to tackle is that he doesn’t actually say anything directly to me. It’s always done through vague comments and frequent references to ‘the good old days’ when their former boss was in charge. After every meeting he disappears for a coffee with another team member and I just know that they’re going off to moan about me. How can I tackle a problem when the other person won’t admit there is one?

A: People who are passive-aggressive are difficult to confront, because what they’re actually doing is avoiding confrontation through their behaviour. They’ll do just enough to let you know that there’s a problem, mumbling under their breath perhaps, or making meaningful eye contact with others, but when challenged may deny your interpretation or even feign surprise. You’ll need to go with your gut instincts to understand whether something really is ‘off’ with this direct report, or whether you’re being over-sensitive due to the pressure of taking on an established team.

If you conclude that this behaviour is indeed damaging, not just to you but also to the team, it’s important you take steps to address it. If you decide to talk to your report again, ensure you remain calm and clear, sticking to the facts. But before you head straight into confrontation, it might be a good idea to spend some 1-2-1 time with your report. Get to know him, his ambitions, what he enjoyed and achieved in the old team and what his remaining goals are under your leadership. This sends a clear message that as his boss, you have the power to deliver opportunities. Put together a plan for how your employee will be an integral part of your team, and commit to referring back to this regularly in future 1-2-1s. Make sure you follow through on any promises made during that chat.

Outside of your 1-2-1, take steps towards fostering an honest and collaborative environment within your entire team. Lead by example; be open and authentic; do what you say you’ll do. Set rules for your meetings and brainstorms in terms of what kind of reactions are acceptable and which aren’t, if that feels right for you. If the behaviour persists despite your efforts, it’s time to have a tough conversation. Rather than focus on the unpleasant behaviour, focus on the kind of behaviour you expect and want to see in future.

 

The over-sharing boss

Q: A former colleague is now my line manager. Her promotion was never an issue as she is more experienced than me, and I was pleased that my new boss was going to be someone I already knew. The problem is that my boss behaves more like a friend. She confides in me how difficult she’s finding her new boss and the new person doing her old job (my new colleague who she now manages), and spends my 1-2-1 offloading her gripes. She clearly appreciates my support, saying things like “I don’t know what I’d do without you”, but I’m growing increasingly uncomfortable. I’m concerned that my own development is going to fall by the wayside.

A: When the dynamics in team relationships change, it can take a while for everyone to get to grips with the new world order. Your boss is clearly struggling and seeking support in the wrong place, but as her workload increases and she fosters relationships in other areas, things may well even out.

In the meantime, it’s important you don’t get caught up in the politics of her complaints. Beware of agreeing with her thoughts on particular people or processes. A nod of ascent or even silence can be perceived as agreement by the person with the gripe. Keep your guard up! As you already have a rapport with your boss, you might consider a more direct approach, letting her know that you’re in a difficult position, as you need to foster a relationship with your new colleague.

As for your 1-2-1s, these absolutely must be reclaimed. Get prepared – set an agenda for the things you need to talk through and distribute this in advance so that your boss recognises you need the time to discuss your own work and situation. Your future development should be one of those agenda points: let your boss know that once she feels more established in the role, you’d appreciate a chat about your own future at the company and the opportunities that may come along for you. Using “I” statements can positively reinforce your own needs and bring the conversation back to you if it veers off course.

 

More like this on the everywoman Network

The six people you’ll meet in a new job – and how to deal with them

Understanding your boss: the key to a successful partnership

Delivering feedback: 3 ways for new line managers


Survey of 1,100 employees as reported in Toxic coworkers: How to deal with dysfunctional people on the job, by Alan A Cavaiola and Neil J Lavender (New Harbinger Publications: 2000)

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